


To remember and to forget

by Eadwine63



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, switching POVs, this does not come with a great summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 09:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3244613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eadwine63/pseuds/Eadwine63
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur and Merlin both have a new life, but their old one still haunts them. Especially when they spend their days in the bar Arthur happens to work at.<br/>It's an angsty Reincarnation AU. Switching POVs, starting with Arthur's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To remember and to forget

**Author's Note:**

> old fanfic of mine~crossposted and updated from ff.net
> 
> POV switches! starts with Arthur's.

He just sits there all night, drinking, sulking over whatever his problem is. I always feel sorry for him in a way, but I don’t know why he sits there. He’s always alone, every single evening. He’s one of the first customers I see and he’s always the last to leave. He always sits on the same chair, at the same small table. Always with his back towards me. I only see him properly when he comes in or leaves. I’m only the bartender, not a waiter, so I don’t get a chance to go over to him and see what he looks like. The waitresses say he looks old, even if he might not be. His eyes never glimmer, it’s like they’re dead. He always orders the same drinks. I get them delivered before he even has to ask. I know he likes that, because he'll have an excuse to speak even less. He avoids talking at all if he can, as if he’s afraid his voice will crack up. But he likes it, and therefore I put up with it. I'd really want to hear his voice sometime.

 

_I sit here every evening, thinking of what we had before. Thinking of how it could be, once again. But he doesn’t even know **me** , so why should he know what **we**  once had? I don’t want to start from the very beginning. Again. It’s too painful to get rejected. Again. Because I know what we had and he doesn’t. I’ve had my share of banishment, rejection, betrayal. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. _

_I sit here every evening. Trying not to think of what we had and what we could have, once again.  It’s too painful to lose him again, either through death or rejection. They made me watch him die every single time, even when he burned at the stake, crying out my name. They made me outlive him every single time. I try to forget. I never look at him too much, because I know that when I really look, all those feelings will resurface and I won’t be able to keep up my careful control. But it is so hard to be apart from him, and so I sit here every evening. Back towards the bar. I’m getting tired of it; getting tired in general, tired of life. Life with him always ends in grief, yet life without him hurts too. It has no meaning, no pleasure and no bliss._

Another night starts. He walks in again. Goes directly to his table, where his drink is already waiting on the other side of the table this time. I hope he sits down on the opposite chair now, so I can finally see his face. I don’t know if I’m going to be disappointed. When he finally sits down, he hides behind the drink I made him and takes it between his fingers, sips at it. He’s never hasty. He seems to enjoy the beverage, were it not that he looks so depressed. I wish I could make him happy.

 

_I wish I could make him happy again, that I could make him laugh again. I wish I could make him moan my name in agony, that I could make him scream my name in ecstasy. I wish he could remember us and yet I wish he would never find out about us because remembering would hurt him as much as it has hurt me. It seems we were never meant to be, no matter how hard we tried. So today I’m taking revenge on destiny. This will be the one time I will win. I will conquer fate. It’s almost time now._

He sits there with his head bowed down, as if he’s afraid to look at me. He finished his drink, so I had another one delivered to him. Suddenly he looks up, brings out a silent toast towards me and finishes the drink in one go. He mumbles something and collapses on the table. My eyes grow wide and I drop the glass in my hands. Liquor and shards of glass spill all over the ground, but not for one single moment do I care. All I care about is the man who lies there on his table, still and white as a statue. But I finally got to see that glimmer in his eyes; a glimmer entirely dedicated to me. Practically a stranger. Practically the man I loved.

 

_Just one more word I had to mutter. The spell I prepared for so long. I feel the magic leave my body, just before my life begins to slip away. I see him hurrying over to me. He was always fighting for me, from the very beginning, while I could do nothing to save his life. He takes my hand like he used to grab it when we were alone, lacing his fingers with mine. Don’t you dare die, Arthur. I did this for you. I did this for us. Maybe next lifetime will be good for us. We waited for centuries and I remembered all of them. One more time. Please hang on. This time it has to work. I can feel it, we won. I will come back and so will you. I will wait for you another lifetime, because I love you, Arthur._

I hear him say his last word. ‘Arthur’. I never knew he knew my name. I thought he had forgotten.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Internet bailed on me when I wanted to post and I had to review this tiny thing three times... I hope I didn't leave in too many mistakes...


End file.
